Week 4: Bratwurst
Featuring insights from our field agents.
This week’s playlist made me laugh. It’s important to be your own biggest fan.
Well, the NFL finally realized that they should market to women. Too late! I already have enough hobbies, I don’t need a new one (I say as I…watch football). I wrote a whole paragraph about domestic abuse in the NFL (and Michael Vick, and how football isn’t more important than women), but man that was a lot and this newsletter is going to be late so why make you read THAT?!
My favorite thing about football this week: Toy Story Funday Football. I know most of you were busy seeing games live and in person, but I was gleefully watching glitchy animations of football players in Andy’s room. Disney should continue not paying their writers, actors, and animators and instead do this full time!
Just Another Manning Monday
This week, the Mannings absolutely stumped me by talking at length about butt cheeks. Peyton noted:
“That guard’s gotta get his hand more on the butt. He’s gotta get it up in there a little more.”
They then, truly, went on to say that they were going to talk about butt cheeks for the rest of the game. For that, I am grateful!
To be clear - after watching the clips of them mentioning butt cheeks a LOT of time, I came to the conclusion that they were discussion the drawings on the screen, not the players’ actual butt cheeks. A big let down, but still a joyous moment for me, Queen of the Butts.
Postcards from the Field
Big news this week: We had (wo)men on the field! On field reporters! In-seat operatives!
Here’s what they had to say (NOT edited for clarity because I like that I’m not the only wordy one in this group!):
Samantha Lauber (SL): What was your favorite part of the game?
Elizabeth Guyol (EG): The “bear down” Chicago bears song that everyone sings after every touchdown.
Alyssa Vaughn (AV): I have loved Sunday Night Football ever since I first heard the Carrie Underwood theme song, so I was just thrilled to experience the spectacle IRL for the first time. They really put their whole footballussys (punt cunts? Note from Sam: Punt Cunts is our league name next year) into the razzle dazzle of it all - there were fireworks and Eras-style light up bracelets and a t-shirt cannon that looked like an instrument of war. They also flashed reaction GIFs on the boards at the end of every play, which I found very helpful. I did not know how to react when the Jets “got a safety,” but when they put hype vibrating Toad up there, I immediately understood I should be hooting and hollering.
SL: What was your least favorite part of the game?
EG: It was so hot and my chin got a sunburn.
AV: The abject sorry I felt contemplating the life of the young ~6 year old boy seated in front of us. His dad exhibited a lot of toxic behaviors, including yelling the word “fuck” after every play. The child also had an Apple Watch on, which made me both depressed and confused. How do you watch Cocomelon on a screen that small?
SL: What did you snack on?
EG: Bratwurst and 2 Miller Lites.
AV: A hot chicken sandwich and parmesan garlic fries.
SL: How did your boi act?
EG: FOCUSED and sweaty.
AV: It was a real roller coaster. He didn’t like the way the team came out of the tunnel onto the field at the beginning; I thought it looked sick with all the lasers and shit but he just sat down and said “It feels like they’ve already given up.”
Then the Jets got some more points and he started high fiving all the men around us and yelling “First down!” a lot. I do have to admit that there is about a 30 minute window of behavior on which I cannot report as I was busy sprinting across the stadium to take a photo of Taylor Swift.
It’s worth noting that the A&W contingent are moving ever closer to marriage (as are Jellie, however, they’re still sixth months out!). Anyone else wondering how we’re going to watch our Sunday football while they’re busy interrupting us with their nuptials?
Thank you to my reporters! Excellent job.
Missives from the Commissi(ve)oner
Now that we’ve heard from our on-field reporters, let’s take a look at the box score from Dangerous Animals: Hut Hut Hike!’s Week 4 matchups.
Balboa Park Pandas (170.32) vs. Casserly’s Cassowary (80.92)
How BOUT them Pandas? It seems as though my strategy of throwing the first three weeks in order to win waiver priority and acquire budding superstars Puka Nacua, Kyren Williams, and De’Von Achane has finally paid off. Or… my team still sucks and I got super lucky this week. Regardless, it was about damn time that Josh Allen went deep! But don’t worry, despite winning BPP still made horrible managerial decisions. Remember when I trashed Derrick Henry in last week’s newsletter? Yeah, he exploded for 122 yards and 2 scores on my fuggin’ bench. Kinda cringe. On the other side of the ball, Will’s Casserly’s Cassowary had a week to forget, scoring a season-low ~81 points on the back of a 0.9 point performance from Chris Olave. What in the world? I don’t think anyone saw that coming.
Rabbits (130.44) vs. Team MOSQUITO (90.32)
Juggernaut! Juggernaut! Juggernaut! …sigh. Another week, another win for Rabbits. In his lowest scoring week of the season, June pulled out his pressure package yet again, this time on his bride-to-be. Rude! Josh Jacobs produced, Justin Jefferson produced (surprise, surprise), but most of all, Cowboys D/ST produced – to the tune of 26 gosh darn fantasy points. Team MOSQUITO’s arrow is no doubt pointing up. And even better, Jellie got to see DJ Moore break out as a Chicago Bear live in person. How cool! What else can I say here? Rabbits remain undefeated and lead the league outright after four weeks of play. We’ll see if Poop Fake Trout can give him ‘em what-for in Week 5. Speaking of PFT…
Poop Fake Trout (167.68) vs. Hoover Street Hippos (122.7)
What a savvy signing of Isiah Pacheco at the eleventh hour! Off waivers, into the lineup, and rushing for 23.3 fantasy points. You love to see it unless you’re a Hippo. PFT also saw massive production from Christian McCaffrey and Stefon Diggs, who combined for like 80 fantasy points. On the other side of the box score, I’m sorry to say Hoover Street Hippos didn’t stand much of a chance after Tee Higgins exited early with an injury, Josh Kelley stunk up the field, and Keenan Allen caught 12 fewer balls than usual. But what can ya do? On the bright side, the Hippos (and their manager) will get to release their frustration on the Balboa Park Pandas next week (and their manager). It promises to be a thrilling match filled with fun, light-heartedness, and good sportsmanship lmao. ← if there ever was a final nail in a very nailed coffin….watch your back, Panda!
Transaction Reaction
Poop Fake Trout
+ Isiah Pacheco
- Jets D/ST
Team MOSQUITO
+ Jakobi Meyers
Casserly’s Cassowary:
+ Tank Dell
